December 2014 – Wombats Dig It

Who Should Play Where for the Red Sox in 2015?

Posted on December 5, 2014December 5, 2014 by Head Wombat

NB. Title shamelessly borrowed from Paul Swydan for the Boston Globe.

I figured, since I’ve written three (at least) stories about the Red Sox, I had something of a connection and authority to speak on the lineup for the 2015 Red Sox. Especially seeing as each year one of our anthologies (Fenway Fiction, Further Fenway Fiction, and Final Fenway Fiction) has been published the Red Sox have either just won or are going to win the World Series. John Henry, John Farrell, give me a buzz, we’ll talk.

I appreciate Paul’s practical approach in this age of sabremetrics, but I think he missed out on some glorious opportunities. You don’t need the big power hitters of yesteryear, not since the Red Sox have signed each and every outfielder in Major League Baseball, leaving the remaining teams with scraps, the ghost of Johnny Damon’s arm, and a wind-up toy which houses a holy relic of Dom DiMaggio’s eye glasses inside a hollow in its head.

Catcher: Christian Vazquez/Rich Gedman
1B: Mike Napoli
2B: Dustin Pedroia
3B: Pablo Sandoval
SS: Xander Bogaerts
LF: Hanley Ramirez, since they can save money on the jersey and engraved bucket Manny used to pee into when he would take his breaks
CF: Mookie Betts
RF: Brock Holt
DH: Jon Lester
Speechwriter and Microphone Man: David Ortiz
Guitar: Allen Craig
Bench: Daniel Nava, Jemile Weeks, Dan Butler/Blake Swihart
Bench in Charge of Hot Foots: Shane Victorino
Drums: Shane Victorino
Bench in Charge of Hamming it Up for NESN’s Cameras: Yoenis Cespedes
Short Right Field, If No One is Paying Attention: Rusney Castillo
Bench in Charge of Interviews: Will Middlebrooks
Vice Chairman of Just Sitting on Top of the Dugout and Making Us All Smile: Dave Roberts, who will receive a golden throne and a standing ovation before each and every home game and most away games

According to statistics, the Red Sox played 784 players last year at the Major League level, which is more than any other team in the history of baseball. For such a record, they were awarded 27 more “pity wins,” which Larry Lucchino has assured the Nation ensures them a playoff spot and, in advanced simulations, they won the 2014 World Series against the Pittsburgh Pirates. In order to fit that number of players on the roster again this year they will also employ David Ortiz, who has been relieved of his DH duties by an adamant Jon Lester, who will only return if he gets a chance to hit (according to Ken Rosenthal’s brother Ken), as a designated leg breaker. Legs will be broken to ensure each player gets equal playing time in an already crowded situation.

To Chad Finn’s delight, Giancarlo Stanton has agreed to waive his contract altogether and will play the ukulele for the Red Sox in the clubhouse and host a reality show with Billy Costa and Tito Francona on NESN. He will no longer play baseball, though, for legal reasons, he has to say he plays for the Florida/Miami Marlins, which no one will be able to verify, since all their fans are at the Florida Panthers games.

Can’t wait for 2015 Truck Day!

The Disruptions of (Not Necessarily Time) Travel

Posted on December 3, 2014December 3, 2014 by Head Wombat

I’m very much a creature of habit, which it comes to writing. I get up around 5, 5:15, when it’s still dark out. At the moment, I’m working on something new, so I’ll pull out the notebook and write for a few hours until the kids get up.

Or I *would*, but the little monsters are up already, greeting me at the door of my office (the kitchen counter) with wide smiles this morning, ready for breakfast and a lot of chat. You see, we’ve just gotten back from Ireland, which is approximately the other side of the planet, which means it’s prime time for playing at 5am.

POTATO WAFFLES, man's greatest invention! — POTATO WAFFLES, man’s greatest invention!

Before we start, I’m just going to state the following: I am not complaining. I’m very lucky to have two monsters who still, at the time of this writing, like me and enjoy spending time with me. I’m so lucky to get to go visit a set of in-laws who treat me like royalty in another country altogether, and I love going to Ireland, spending time in a non-desert climate and in a culture where they’re actually laid back. Also, potato waffles.

But (ahhh, there it is), when it comes to my writing schedule, it doesn’t make the trip quite intact. I suspect it’s lost in the luggage hold, held in some Aer Lingus manager’s office for the first few days, perhaps in quarantine. Or maybe it’s so lost it makes the trip across the Atlantic a few times, availing itself of the booze from the first class cabin, until it finally stumbles onto the tarmac at Shannon, blinking in the light of a grey day, clothes disheveled and face just that bit more stubbly.

I’ll eventually cram some writing time in by force, into some rare nooks. And I also have 9 hours of sitting on my backside on the flight over and back, which is one of the prime ingredients in a successful writing habit. It’s not *quite* the ideal environment, but we’ve got a couple of ideal traveling companions who’ve made the trip so many times it’s old hat to them by now, so I’ll usually get a disjointed hour, at least. So long as the siren call of Aer Lingus’s in-flight entertainment doesn’t call.

But coming back is the hardest part, in so many respects. It’s tough to be away from Ireland, anyway, where they’re talking books on Today FM and Clare FM as a matter of course, like it’s the most natural thing in the world. There’s no great green expanse of a field I can stand in, and, occasionally, pretend to be David Mitchell (I don’t do this often, I swear — I do imagine he spends most of his days overlooking the Atlantic, down in Cork, striking various authorly poses in the mist and gentle rain). There are many moments of regret when we consider that an artist’s income isn’t taxed (to a degree) in Ireland, though the tax on the $0.08 in royalties from the Fenway Fiction series is not exactly breaking our bank, at the moment.

And when we’re back and I creep back into my routine that first morning back, more easily, thanks to the 8 hour time difference and the fact that my body thinks 5am is actually 1pm, when I tiptoe down to the usual spot I find, as I’ve already mentioned, a couple of cherubs grinning at me, waiting to be fed. Like a native tribesman who one day comes upon a few men with chainsaws and other implements of clear-cutting, tearing down the forest, tree by tree.

So it’s usually a few mornings before the natural rhythm of sunlight and the Earth’s rotation lulls the kids back into their normal pattern, but let me tell you, it’s so unsettling when my normal routine is taken away, replaced by, this morning, anyway, a bevy of lights, the latest Texas album (The Conversation, which isn’t bad at all) blaring, and generally feeling like I’m trying to write in a nightclub.

SIDE NOTE: NOT PAID FOR BY THE COUNTY CLARE TOURISM BOARD, BUT I WOULDN’T TURN THEIR MONEY AWAY

If you are looking for a destination, you could do a lot worse than the west coast of Ireland. County Clare is one of the most beautiful places on the planet Earth, and it gives you easy access to Counties Kerry and Cork, which are most likely number 2 and 3 on the list of beautiful places. Fly into Shannon or into Dublin and take the really nice new-ish N7 across the country for 2 hours or so and dig yourself in somewhere near Corofin or Lahinch and soak it all in.

Time: A Novel

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Head Wombat

TLDR: Watch this series of videos if you, like me, are obsessed with the theory of time.

Otherwise, read on if you want some history on my early novel-writing efforts and more background on Butterfly, a novel.

So a very long time ago I was a graduate from a mostly prestigious college with a degree in a mostly prestigious field. And when I graduated and the spike of panic over having an English degree subsided and I found a different way to make a living I sat down and finished a novel-in-progress called Time, a novel.

At the time I lived in Brooklyn and worked down on Houston and Hudson St in Manhattan. When I was finished with the novel I printed it out at Kinkos (one across from CBGBs, if I remember right, which I may not), chucked a few copies into envelopes and skulked around the buildings near Penguin just down the street from the White Horse Tavern. Nothing came of it. Probably because the book wasn’t all that good. I should re-read it to verify, but I’m trusting my memory on this one.

It was a story, at its heart, about two young folks trying to get lunch. They get kidnapped, separately and together, by a few different groups, including a cosplay-ish Greek/Trojan reenactment group and the employees of a local tinsel factory, for which the male protagonist works. Or did work. It was set in Worcester, Massachusetts, of the Elizabeth Bishop poem, “In the Waiting Room,” the notorious heart of the Commonwealth, birthplace of my own self.

I moved to other companies, not so conveniently located to harass employees of the big publishing firms, and which demanded, or at least occupied more and more of my time. I moved on to another book project that centered around litter on the streets of Brooklyn that, thank God, I put to rest a few years ago.

Butterfly, a novel, my latest complete novel and the thing I’m shopping around to agents and publishers now (with less stalking… less *physical* stalking, anyway), just so happens to be set in Worcester, Massachusetts, home of the Holy Cross Crusaders, Rotmans, and Turtle Boy. William Murphy, in his post-hockey career, works a job at a factory, which just so happens to be the same tinsel factory the protagonist from Time, a novel works at. The cabal in this particular book happens to be a collection of blacksmiths from Old Sturbridge Village, everyone’s favorite central Massachusetts school field trip destination; a bunch of drop-outs from MIT living by the seaside on a butterfly ranch are another.

But another central theme is that of time travel and the effects of time. I just spent a few minutes, here and there, watching these World Science U videos on Time and would encourage you to do the same. I’ve only just stumbled across the site, but it looks like it’s got some amazing content to satisfy curious minds.

And I also wanted an excuse to post that Time cover, which uses the image of the Three Fates statue in the southeast corner of Stephen’s Green in Dublin, which we walked past just last week.