In more sober moments (when I’m not throwing filth-caked glasses around the kitchen), I wonder if this isn’t a cry for help from the Bosch.Matt Hanlon

Do you think there are dishwasher (maybe even Bosch)-specific whisperers out there or are there only more general appliance whisperers?Matt Hanlon

I mean, I can imagine there being lots of listings for dishwasher-shouters, who’ll just abuse your dishwasher for cash.Matt Hanlon

Off to investigate. Cancel my appointments for the day.Matt Hanlon

So I’m back.Matt Hanlon

My assistant has been posting to Twitter for me, to make it look like I’ve still been, you know, around.Matt Hanlon

But I’ve been on a *journey,* of sorts. Spiritual, mental, actual.Matt Hanlon

So let me tell you about my investigation.Matt Hanlon

I’ve been searching… for the dishwasher whisperer. (Since, you know, the shouting wasn’t working.)Matt Hanlon

So my first thought, that fateful day, was to shout to my assistant: "Cover for me!"Matt Hanlon

My second was to pop my head back in the door and leave a detailed note about just what "cover for me!" was supposed to entail.Matt Hanlon

Once I’d been over that a few times, I swiped a jacket from beside the door and headed out again.Matt Hanlon

When I arrived in Nepal, which is where I assumed most people of the whispering persuasion lived, I put on the jacket.Matt Hanlon

Because it was kind of chilly.Matt Hanlon

The jacket belonged to my assistant, it turned out, who is a full two feet shorter than I am, with arms of similar differing size.Matt Hanlon

After much searching around the villages of Nepal, I came to the conclusion that they didn’t have any dishwasher whisperers.Matt Hanlon

I arrived at this conclusion on my own, because no one would talk to me, assuming I had an arm ailment, in which my arms were too long.Matt Hanlon

From what I could gather, peering in people’s windows, they use hand-made Nepalese dishwashers only in Nepal.Matt Hanlon

This being Nepal, the dishwashers make deep chime-y sort of sounds and radiated peace and love.Matt Hanlon

This annoyed the kid left behind in each household to watch the dishes being washed. Maybe *this* was the key to my dishwasher!Matt Hanlon

I shouted in through one window to a kid, "Hey, kid! Why do you watch the dishwasher?"Matt Hanlon

The kid stopped being annoyed at the radiance of peace and love and focused his annoyance on the guy yelling at him from the window.Matt Hanlon

I waved. It didn’t seem to affect his annoyance one way or another, so I stopped.Matt Hanlon

I gave a shrug, assuming he hadn’t understood me and might understand the universal sign for "Why are you doing that?"Matt Hanlon

This child gave me the finger and went back to watching the dishwasher.Matt Hanlon

So at the next house, I tried again: "Hey kid! Why are you watching the dishwasher?" This kid looked marginally less annoyed to start with.Matt Hanlon

I waved, as well, for good measure.Matt Hanlon

He made a gesture which I took to mean: "Did you know your sleeves are far too short?"Matt Hanlon

I nodded to show him I understood and tugged at my sleeves, imagining myself as Charlie Chaplin, bringing joy to millions via sight alone.Matt Hanlon

Or this one kid, anyway. I was just starting a funny little side shuffle walk when this kid, too, gave me the finger.Matt Hanlon

As I was about to shout through the third window, an elderly man grasped my shoulder and pulled me aside.Matt Hanlon

"Please stop bothering our children," he said. He had a little bit of parsley stuck to his two front teeth.Matt Hanlon

"Ah, I was trying to ask them why they watched the dishwasher," I explained. I also wiggled two fingers at the old man’s teeth.Matt Hanlon

"That’s not a dishwasher," the man said. He took a step back from my outstretched fingers. "We haven’t figured those out yet."Matt Hanlon

He took one last step and a hop away from me and onto the back of a yeti, and bounded off into the mountains.Matt Hanlon

My assistant rang me, asking me whether I’d like to tweet angst about the Bruins or a pic of dinner. Also where we kept the peanut butter.Matt Hanlon

"Did they lose?" I asked. "Well…" he started.Matt Hanlon

"Never mind," I said. "Listen, I’m in Nepal, what place was next on my list for dishwasher whisperers?"Matt Hanlon

I arrived, four days later, sweaty, dusty, and disheveled, in Istanbul.Matt Hanlon

Based on clues given to me by my assistant, who I suspect was upset I never answered his peanut butter question, I was looking for a man.Matt Hanlon

Istanbul had a considerable number of men. But when I was wandering down by the river, I took notice of one particular man.Matt Hanlon

He was tall, reclining in a row boat, one arm slung over the edge, his fist trailing in the water. He held a book in his other hand.Matt Hanlon

As I neared I thought I heard him growl, softly. He pulled his fist up out of the water. He held a large cloth sack in his hand.Matt Hanlon

The sack moved desultorily, as you might imagine one would if it were being dunked in a somewhat foul stretch of a river.Matt Hanlon

When it had stopped moving the man lugged the sack into the boat, and released his grip, spilling the contents.Matt Hanlon

It was a little bearded man and a chicken, both of whom looked repentant. Repentant and wet. The man gave them a very solemn finger wag.Matt Hanlon

The two departed, and the man resumed reading his book. It was "The Bridges of Madison County."Matt Hanlon

I approached the man, "Good book."Matt Hanlon

"No. You want dishwasher whisperer," he said. Or, rather, he whispered. Which was fitting, I thought.Matt Hanlon

"Yes, please," I said. I took a step back, because the sack in the bottom of the boat stank. Or maybe it was the river.Matt Hanlon

Whatever it was, it felt like someone stabbed me with a smell, which was a first for me.Matt Hanlon

He whispered something else, and I needed to take a step forward again to hear him. "Sorry, come again?"Matt Hanlon

"I am the dishwasher whisperer," he said. It appeared to be his breath, was nearly my last thought, as I fought the urge to pass out.Matt Hanlon

"Ah," I said, once I had backed away again. "I have a dishwasher for you."Matt Hanlon

"I don’t want dishwasher," he said, suddenly proud, quite loud, and standing in his little boat, which looked like it was about to capsize.Matt Hanlon

I backed away, tripping over the man and chicken, who were holding each other tight, presumably because of their shared near drowning.Matt Hanlon

The chicken squawked at me and the man sort of hissed. The stench from the river or whisperer stuck with me all the way to the airport.Matt Hanlon

When I returned to the house, filthy, feeling Indiana Jones-like, but without a whip or golden idol, candles were flickering in the kitchen.Matt Hanlon

"Hal?" I called. Because that’s my assistant’s name. And he has attempted to burn the place down before. "I have a knife."Matt Hanlon

When I got into the kitchen, there was the tall man from the boat in Istanbul.Matt Hanlon

He was kneeling beside the dishwasher, his lips nearly touching the buttons along the top whose function I haven’t figured out yet.Matt Hanlon

He held up one finger as I entered the room. I nodded and stepped back against the wall to watch.Matt Hanlon

I watched the man for a few minutes before my thirst won out over my curiosity about what the whisperer was doing.Matt Hanlon

I grabbed a beer from the fridge, which is opposite the dishwasher in our very small kitchen.Matt Hanlon

As I thought of it, I offered the whisperer a beer, which, due to the close quarters, bonked the back of his head a little bit.Matt Hanlon

I made apologetic noises, since I was trying not to interrupt his whispering, which he had still not stopped. I put the second beer back.Matt Hanlon

Thinking better of it, I grabbed the second beer again and tried to grab a salad that looked edible.Matt Hanlon

I retreated to the kitchen counter and made myself comfortable. I had dropped the salad once, and managed to pick up most of it.Matt Hanlon

A few spinach leaves, I believe, lay, crestfallen, or so I assumed, on the back of the whisperer’s shirt.Matt Hanlon

A good while later, I awoke, the smell of smoke, of candles just extinguished, in the air, and the whispering gone quiet. It was dark.Matt Hanlon

The whisperer remained by dishwasher on his knees, his head bowed. The spinach leaves, I noticed, were gone.Matt Hanlon

I ran a hand over the dried spittle on the side of my cheek and the crouton crumbs on the side of my nose and remained quiet, too.Matt Hanlon

At last, he spoke, "I am finished."Matt Hanlon

"Oh, excellent!" I leapt up from my seat. Since my legs were a little numb from sleeping in the barstool chair, I wobbled and sat back down.Matt Hanlon

I looked up, expectantly, as a child expecting a circus to burst out of the dishwasher. A clean circus. Actually, that’s not a simile.Matt Hanlon

I sort of *actually* expected a freshly washed circus to come marching out of the dishwasher.Matt Hanlon

A thump sounded and my heart thrilled with that sort of excitement you get when you think you’re about to see a dish-washed circus.Matt Hanlon

But it was just the dishwasher whisperer stomping his boot. One solitary arugula leaf fluttered from his jeans.Matt Hanlon

"So is it fixed? Will it wash?" I asked, with breathless anticipation.Matt Hanlon

"Oh, no. No, is not fixed. That is one stubborn dishwasher."Matt Hanlon

And with that, he was gone.Matt Hanlon