{"id":149,"date":"2013-03-22T17:23:46","date_gmt":"2013-03-22T17:23:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/?p=149"},"modified":"2013-03-22T17:23:46","modified_gmt":"2013-03-22T17:23:46","slug":"the-dishwasher-whisperer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/the-dishwasher-whisperer\/","title":{"rendered":"The Dishwasher Whisperer"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><script src=\"\/\/storify.com\/mhanlon\/the-dishwasher-whisperer.js\"><\/script><noscript>[<a href=\"\/\/storify.com\/mhanlon\/the-dishwasher-whisperer\" target=\"_blank\">View the story &#8220;The Dishwasher Whisperer&#8221; on Storify<\/a>]<\/p>\n<h1>The Dishwasher Whisperer<\/h1>\n<h2>Another exciting episode in the dishwasher saga, as it&#8217;s known, far and wide!<\/h2>\n<p>Storified by <a href=\"http:\/\/storify.com\/mhanlon\">Matt Hanlon<\/a>&middot; Fri, Mar 22 2013 10:10:58<\/p>\n<div>In more sober moments (when I&#8217;m not throwing filth-caked glasses around the kitchen), I wonder if this isn&#8217;t a cry for help from the Bosch.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Do you think there are dishwasher (maybe even Bosch)-specific whisperers out there or are there only more general appliance whisperers?Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I mean, I can imagine there being lots of listings for dishwasher-shouters, who&#8217;ll just abuse your dishwasher for cash.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Off to investigate. Cancel my appointments for the day.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>So I&#8217;m back.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>My assistant has been posting to Twitter for me, to make it look like I&#8217;ve still been, you know, around.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>But I&#8217;ve been on a *journey,* of sorts. Spiritual, mental, actual.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>So let me tell you about my investigation.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I&#8217;ve been searching\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 for the dishwasher whisperer. (Since, you know, the shouting wasn&#8217;t working.)Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>So my first thought, that fateful day, was to shout to my assistant: &quot;Cover for me!&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>My second was to pop my head back in the door and leave a detailed note about just what &quot;cover for me!&quot; was supposed to entail.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Once I&#8217;d been over that a few times, I swiped a jacket from beside the door and headed out again.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>When I arrived in Nepal, which is where I assumed most people of the whispering persuasion lived, I put on the jacket.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Because it was kind of chilly.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The jacket belonged to my assistant, it turned out, who is a full two feet shorter than I am, with arms of similar differing size.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>After much searching around the villages of Nepal, I came to the conclusion that they didn&#8217;t have any dishwasher whisperers.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I arrived at this conclusion on my own, because no one would talk to me, assuming I had an arm ailment, in which my arms were too long.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>From what I could gather, peering in people&#8217;s windows, they use hand-made Nepalese dishwashers only in Nepal.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>This being Nepal, the dishwashers make deep chime-y sort of sounds and radiated peace and love.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>This annoyed the kid left behind in each household to watch the dishes being washed. Maybe *this* was the key to my dishwasher!Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I shouted in through one window to a kid, &quot;Hey, kid! Why do you watch the dishwasher?&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The kid stopped being annoyed at the radiance of peace and love and focused his annoyance on the guy yelling at him from the window.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I waved. It didn&#8217;t seem to affect his annoyance one way or another, so I stopped.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I gave a shrug, assuming he hadn&#8217;t understood me and might understand the universal sign for &quot;Why are you doing that?&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>This child gave me the finger and went back to watching the dishwasher.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>So at the next house, I tried again: &quot;Hey kid! Why are you watching the dishwasher?&quot; This kid looked marginally less annoyed to start with.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I waved, as well, for good measure.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He made a gesture which I took to mean: &quot;Did you know your sleeves are far too short?&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I nodded to show him I understood and tugged at my sleeves, imagining myself as Charlie Chaplin, bringing joy to millions via sight alone.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Or this one kid, anyway. I was just starting a funny little side shuffle walk when this kid, too, gave me the finger.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>As I was about to shout through the third window, an elderly man grasped my shoulder and pulled me aside.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Please stop bothering our children,&quot; he said. He had a little bit of parsley stuck to his two front teeth.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Ah, I was trying to ask them why they watched the dishwasher,&quot; I explained. I also wiggled two fingers at the old man&#8217;s teeth.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;That&#8217;s not a dishwasher,&quot; the man said. He took a step back from my outstretched fingers. &quot;We haven&#8217;t figured those out yet.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He took one last step and a hop away from me and onto the back of a yeti, and bounded off into the mountains.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>My assistant rang me, asking me whether I&#8217;d like to tweet angst about the Bruins or a pic of dinner. Also where we kept the peanut butter.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Did they lose?&quot; I asked. &quot;Well\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6&quot; he started.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Never mind,&quot; I said. &quot;Listen, I&#8217;m in Nepal, what place was next on my list for dishwasher whisperers?&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I arrived, four days later, sweaty, dusty, and disheveled, in Istanbul.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Based on clues given to me by my assistant, who I suspect was upset I never answered his peanut butter question, I was looking for a man.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Istanbul had a considerable number of men. But when I was wandering down by the river, I took notice of one particular man.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He was tall, reclining in a row boat, one arm slung over the edge, his fist trailing in the water. He held a book in his other hand.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>As I neared I thought I heard him growl, softly. He pulled his fist up out of the water. He held a large cloth sack in his hand.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The sack moved desultorily, as you might imagine one would if it were being dunked in a somewhat foul stretch of a river.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>When it had stopped moving the man lugged the sack into the boat, and released his grip, spilling the contents.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>It was a little bearded man and a chicken, both of whom looked repentant. Repentant and wet. The man gave them a very solemn finger wag.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The two departed, and the man resumed reading his book. It was &quot;The Bridges of Madison County.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I approached the man, &quot;Good book.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;No. You want dishwasher whisperer,&quot; he said. Or, rather, he whispered. Which was fitting, I thought.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Yes, please,&quot; I said. I took a step back, because the sack in the bottom of the boat stank. Or maybe it was the river.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Whatever it was, it felt like someone stabbed me with a smell, which was a first for me.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He whispered something else, and I needed to take a step forward again to hear him. &quot;Sorry, come again?&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;I am the dishwasher whisperer,&quot; he said. It appeared to be his breath, was nearly my last thought, as I fought the urge to pass out.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Ah,&quot; I said, once I had backed away again. &quot;I have a dishwasher for you.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;I don&#8217;t want dishwasher,&quot; he said, suddenly proud, quite loud, and standing in his little boat, which looked like it was about to capsize.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I backed away, tripping over the man and chicken, who were holding each other tight, presumably because of their shared near drowning.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The chicken squawked at me and the man sort of hissed. The stench from the river or whisperer stuck with me all the way to the airport.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>When I returned to the house, filthy, feeling Indiana Jones-like, but without a whip or golden idol, candles were flickering in the kitchen.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Hal?&quot; I called. Because that&#8217;s my assistant&#8217;s name. And he has attempted to burn the place down before. &quot;I have a knife.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>When I got into the kitchen, there was the tall man from the boat in Istanbul.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He was kneeling beside the dishwasher, his lips nearly touching the buttons along the top whose function I haven&#8217;t figured out yet.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>He held up one finger as I entered the room. I nodded and stepped back against the wall to watch.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I watched the man for a few minutes before my thirst won out over my curiosity about what the whisperer was doing.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I grabbed a beer from the fridge, which is opposite the dishwasher in our very small kitchen.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>As I thought of it, I offered the whisperer a beer, which, due to the close quarters, bonked the back of his head a little bit.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I made apologetic noises, since I was trying not to interrupt his whispering, which he had still not stopped. I put the second beer back.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>Thinking better of it, I grabbed the second beer again and tried to grab a salad that looked edible.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I retreated to the kitchen counter and made myself comfortable. I had dropped the salad once, and managed to pick up most of it.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>A few spinach leaves, I believe, lay, crestfallen, or so I assumed, on the back of the whisperer&#8217;s shirt.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>A good while later, I awoke, the smell of smoke, of candles just extinguished, in the air, and the whispering gone quiet. It was dark.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>The whisperer remained by dishwasher on his knees, his head bowed. The spinach leaves, I noticed, were gone.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I ran a hand over the dried spittle on the side of my cheek and the crouton crumbs on the side of my nose and remained quiet, too.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>At last, he spoke, &quot;I am finished.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Oh, excellent!&quot; I leapt up from my seat. Since my legs were a little numb from sleeping in the barstool chair, I wobbled and sat back down.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I looked up, expectantly, as a child expecting a circus to burst out of the dishwasher. A clean circus. Actually, that&#8217;s not a simile.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>I sort of *actually* expected a freshly washed circus to come marching out of the dishwasher.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>A thump sounded and my heart thrilled with that sort of excitement you get when you think you&#8217;re about to see a dish-washed circus.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>But it was just the dishwasher whisperer stomping his boot. One solitary arugula leaf fluttered from his jeans.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;So is it fixed? Will it wash?&quot; I asked, with breathless anticipation.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>&quot;Oh, no. No, is not fixed. That is one stubborn dishwasher.&quot;Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<div>And with that, he was gone.Matt Hanlon<\/div>\n<p><\/noscript><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>[View the story &#8220;The Dishwasher Whisperer&#8221; on Storify] The Dishwasher Whisperer Another exciting episode in the dishwasher saga, as it&#8217;s known, far and wide! Storified by Matt Hanlon&middot; Fri, Mar 22 2013 10:10:58 In more sober moments (when I&#8217;m not throwing filth-caked glasses around the kitchen), I wonder if this isn&#8217;t a cry for help [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-149","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-nonsense"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=149"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/149\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=149"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=149"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wombatsdigit.com\/w\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=149"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}