I figured, since I’ve written three (at least) stories about the Red Sox, I had something of a connection and authority to speak on the lineup for the 2015 Red Sox. Especially seeing as each year one of our anthologies (Fenway Fiction, Further Fenway Fiction, and Final Fenway Fiction) has been published the Red Sox have either just won or are going to win the World Series. John Henry, John Farrell, give me a buzz, we’ll talk.
I appreciate Paul’s practical approach in this age of sabremetrics, but I think he missed out on some glorious opportunities. You don’t need the big power hitters of yesteryear, not since the Red Sox have signed each and every outfielder in Major League Baseball, leaving the remaining teams with scraps, the ghost of Johnny Damon’s arm, and a wind-up toy which houses a holy relic of Dom DiMaggio’s eye glasses inside a hollow in its head.
Catcher: Christian Vazquez/Rich Gedman
1B: Mike Napoli
2B: Dustin Pedroia
3B: Pablo Sandoval
SS: Xander Bogaerts
LF: Hanley Ramirez, since they can save money on the jersey and engraved bucket Manny used to pee into when he would take his breaks
CF: Mookie Betts
RF: Brock Holt
DH: Jon Lester
Speechwriter and Microphone Man: David Ortiz
Guitar: Allen Craig
Bench: Daniel Nava, Jemile Weeks, Dan Butler/Blake Swihart
Bench in Charge of Hot Foots: Shane Victorino
Drums: Shane Victorino
Bench in Charge of Hamming it Up for NESN’s Cameras: Yoenis Cespedes
Short Right Field, If No One is Paying Attention: Rusney Castillo
Bench in Charge of Interviews: Will Middlebrooks
Vice Chairman of Just Sitting on Top of the Dugout and Making Us All Smile: Dave Roberts, who will receive a golden throne and a standing ovation before each and every home game and most away games
According to statistics, the Red Sox played 784 players last year at the Major League level, which is more than any other team in the history of baseball. For such a record, they were awarded 27 more “pity wins,” which Larry Lucchino has assured the Nation ensures them a playoff spot and, in advanced simulations, they won the 2014 World Series against the Pittsburgh Pirates. In order to fit that number of players on the roster again this year they will also employ David Ortiz, who has been relieved of his DH duties by an adamant Jon Lester, who will only return if he gets a chance to hit (according to Ken Rosenthal’s brother Ken), as a designated leg breaker. Legs will be broken to ensure each player gets equal playing time in an already crowded situation.
To Chad Finn’s delight, Giancarlo Stanton has agreed to waive his contract altogether and will play the ukulele for the Red Sox in the clubhouse and host a reality show with Billy Costa and Tito Francona on NESN. He will no longer play baseball, though, for legal reasons, he has to say he plays for the Florida/Miami Marlins, which no one will be able to verify, since all their fans are at the Florida Panthers games.
Can’t wait for 2015 Truck Day!