Despite repeatedly insisting that it’s not his fault, Mark Zuckerberg had to face down an angry mob armed with pitchforks and torches, the burning kind, not the more gentle, battery powered Irish and British kind.
Buzzfeed News and Waterford Whisperer News are reporting, probably, that a group of Facebook employees or merely curious passersby have taken up somewhat incongruous arms against their social media master this week.
“I’m not entirely sure where they got the pitchforks, and it’s against California regulations to have anything on fire within 30 yards of a building, private or public, according to Prop-89, so I’m really at a loss,” said COO Sheryl Sandberg as she surveyed the crowd from her office.
The crowd likely gathered in the wee hours of the morning as possibly fake news leaked that Facebook was allowing fake news sites to buy ads, which may or may not have also been fake, during this most recent U.S. election campaign, which may or may not be over yet. The gathering erupted at 3am when gunshots were heard and reported quickly on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Friendster, but The Onion noted that the gunshots were most probably someone popping a bag of chips from the vending machine. The purported opener of chips complained loudly that “there were hardly any chips in the bag at all!”
Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg, Apple CEO Steve Jobs, and Steve Ballmer have all refused to comment on the situation.
The mob has reportedly demanded that Facebook remove any and all fake news from their site immediately, and also bring back the old timeline, though not one person in the crowd can agree to which version of the old timeline it is they’re referring. The guy with the bag of chips, who turned out to be a lady, also demanded that Facebook stock better, more full bags of chips in their vending machines.
It is not confirmed that Zuckerberg has ordered airstrikes against his own employees, but people have grown increasingly suspicious of the helicopters hovering over the scene, as well as the nearby highway 101 traffic jam.